Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
