when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
