I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
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Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize