this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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