I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
