Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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