Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
