Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
