Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
