1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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