Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
