so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
