Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That accounts for only three of the penises
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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