i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
