The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
