Apparently you make a good broom.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
