sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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