Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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