it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
