I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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