If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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