Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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