We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So apparently I’m into choking now
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