I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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