i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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