new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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