Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
