I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
