New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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