I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
