He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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