I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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