Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
