I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
