i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
