every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
