are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
