In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
