the condom got lost in my hair
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize