I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
