I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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