I need help removing her.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
