i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
