my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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