So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
