By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
dude. I can hear the air.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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