just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
