ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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