I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
