I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
