I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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