Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
