I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
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Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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