doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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