And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
