First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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